Grieving the End of a Long-Term Relationship

By Juliana Mott Fabio, LCSW

Grief after the end of a long-term relationship can be one of the most painful experiences of a person’s life. While it may not always be recognized in the same way as other losses, the grief is real and deeply destabilizing. You are not only grieving a person—you are mourning shared routines, inside jokes, a sense of identity, and a future you once imagined together.

This kind of loss can feel all-consuming. It may show up as sadness, anger, shock, longing, relief mixed with guilt, or a deep sense of emptiness. You may have opposing emotions at the same time. Anger at the person and yearning to be with them. Many people are surprised by how physical it feels—tightness in the chest, exhaustion, restlessness, or a constant ache. These reactions are not signs of weakness; they are signs that something meaningful has ended.

Healing requires grief to be acknowledged and integrated, not avoided or rushed. Time does help—but how we move through time matters. One of the most painful parts of relationship grief is the mind’s tendency to spiral into “what if” thinking. We replay conversations and moments, imagining different endings, hoping for relief. While understandable, these mental loops often keep the nervous system stuck and reopen the wound again and again.

If you can, practice gently interrupting these rabbit holes. A grounding phrase or mantra can help bring you back to the present. Something like, “Who knows if it would have turned out differently,” or “I can’t know what might have been,” can soften the grip of rumination. One phrase I often return to myself—and offer to clients—is:“I made the decisions I made based on the information and capacity I had at the time.”This isn’t about excusing mistakes; it’s about offering yourself compassion rather than continuing the self-punishment.

Self-compassion is essential during this kind of loss. Many people are painfully hard on themselves after a breakup, replaying regrets and missed signs. But grief does not heal through criticism. It heals through gentleness, patience, and care.

Allow yourself moments of quiet and reflection—but try not to disappear entirely. While solitude can be healing in small doses, isolation often deepens grief. Connection with trusted friends, family, or a therapist can help regulate the nervous system and remind you that you are still held in relationship, even as one relationship has ended.

At the same time, it can be helpful to stay open to small moments of ease or pleasure as they arise. In grief, joy is often subtle—a warm shower, a walk outside, a shared laugh, a cup of coffee, a moment when your body softens. These moments do not minimize the loss. They are signs that your system is finding brief pockets of safety and rest. You don’t need to seek joy or force gratitude; simply noticing what feels neutral or slightly pleasant is enough. These moments will begin to add up over time.

This is also a meaningful time to reconnect with your values. Loss has a way of clarifying what matters most. You might begin to ask yourself what you want your life to stand for now, what you want in future relationships, or what parts of yourself you want to reclaim. You don’t need answers right away. Grief unfolds in layers, and clarity comes slowly.

The goal is not to “get over” the relationship, but to integrate it—to allow it to become part of your story without defining your future. If you are grieving the end of a long-term relationship, know this: you are not broken, behind, or failing. You are grieving. And grief, while deeply painful, is also evidence of your capacity to love.

With time, compassion, connection, and attention to the small moments that bring even a bit of ease, the sharpness will soften. The story will settle. And slowly, space will open—not because you forgot what was lost, but because you learned how to carry it with tenderness.