Calming Our Nervous System When We End Up in Flight, Fight, Freeze or Fawn

We’ve all been there—our heart starts racing, our breath shortens, our mind goes blank, or we suddenly find ourselves over-accommodating in a way that doesn’t feel authentic. These are the nervous system’s survival responses: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. They’re designed to protect us in moments of real danger, but often they get activated in everyday situations that are not life-threatening:

• Giving a presentation at work and suddenly freezing.

• Facing a difficult conversation with someone who has hurt us in the past and wanting to flee the room.

• Feeling irritated by a loud, overbearing friend and wanting to reply with anger.

• Smiling, flattering, or overcompensating with a boss who makes the workplace feel toxic, even though it isn’t how we truly feel.

These reactions are not signs of weakness. They are most often rooted in past experiences where we felt unsafe, unseen, or unworthy. The challenge comes when our nervous system reacts as though we’re in danger, even when the current situation only calls for presence and effective communication.

So—what can we do in those moments, in real time?

Step One: Breathe with Intention

The breath is the fastest way to signal safety to our body. When you notice the rush of anxiety or the urge to fight or flee, slow down and breathe deeply. Try to exhale longer than you inhale—this tells your nervous system, “We are not running from a tiger.” A longer exhale cues the body into parasympathetic mode (the calming state), helping you stay grounded.

Step Two: Remind Yourself You’re Safe and Worthy

Self-talk matters. Quietly, in your mind or even softly out loud, say:

• “I am safe.”

• “I am worthy of being here.”

Shortening it to “safe and worthy” or choosing your own affirming phrase helps reassure your nervous system and reclaims your presence in the moment.

Step Three: Ground Yourself in the Present

Bring your attention back to your physical environment. This interrupts the brain’s survival loop. Try one of these grounding practices:

• Place your hand firmly on a table, chair, or even a pen.

• Press your feet into the ground and feel the floor support you.

• Look around and name five things you see—a clock, a window, a plant, a notebook.

This anchors you in the here and now, shifting your focus from imagined threat to the reality of your current surroundings.

Step Four: Slow Down Your Speech

When it’s time to speak, resist the urge to rush. Speak slowly and clearly. If appropriate, lower your tone slightly and articulate your words. This calms both your nervous system and signals confidence to others. Bonus: the slower you speak, the more likely the other person is to really listen.

Step Five: Ask Questions in Hard Conversations

If you’re in a challenging dialogue, try leaning on curiosity instead of defensiveness. Questions like:

• “Can you tell me more about how you see it?”

• “How did you come to that conclusion?”

When others feel heard, they’re more likely to listen in return. This helps shift conversations from reactive to constructive.

Beyond the Moment: Understanding the Roots

While these strategies can help in real time, it’s also worth exploring where these reactions come from. Often, our nervous system gets activated because of unresolved past experiences. Reflective practices like journaling, meditation, therapy, or talking with trusted friends, family, or spiritual leaders can help uncover and heal these patterns.

A Final Note: Kindness to Yourself

You won’t always respond perfectly—and that’s okay. Sometimes fear or old patterns will take over, and you may walk away wishing you had said or done something different. Be gentle with yourself. Beating yourself up only reinforces the cycle. Instead, acknowledge what happened with compassion and remind yourself: growth comes in practice, not perfection.

Remember: You are safe. You are worthy. You are capable of staying present, even in hard moments.